The Flow of this Storm

So there you have it, Jacob. If you read this bottom to top then this should be the last post you read. After I came out to my father I had to let go of this blog. I was unspoken yet I understood that not only did this blog serve its purpose. I also knew that my father no longer wanted to get notified by the people commenting on this blog.

It was a great place to freely talk about that aspect of myself and I loved the theme I had going. I suppose that this post is where the deltas of these post meet the ocean.

The Taste

You know how water only has a taste if it is different from what you normally drink? This is my life and I am finally tasting the water.

A Dance Party

 I once when to a dance party at a home I had ever been to and with a host who didn't know my name.
 At first I didn't know what to do or how to dance. The music was nice and the atmosphere dark. I started bouncing my knees but I wasn't feel the mood that the other people were feeding off of. Then this attractive boy walk into the party. I feed off him and danced to the music like it had washed over me. I wasn't tasting his mood though. He wasn't dancing with spices. The host had to dance with him to get him to loosen up. I envied that host. Even with the help from the host he ended up on the couch. I should have sat next to him or at least dance in front of the couch. Although I never got introduced I felt his gaze many times in the short amount of time that he was at the dance. I acted like me dancing was more important than my love life. I danced away from the boy instead of next to the boy. The boy leaves somewhere between my dry throat and the water. I stay till the end wondering if he will come back to the party. Then I am home I think of him.
I once went to a dance party at a home I had never been to and with a boy who didn't know my name.

They Look Through Murky Water.

There are people that refuse to see that I am gay.  They give excuses. "He can do that because that's who he is."  I think that these are the people that only see the good in a person. There are even the extreme people that are told by others yet they still refuse to believe.

Its like they can't accept that it is raining but they are drenched in evidence.  

There are also the people that assume that I am gay. When I tell them and they say that they new from the start. This could not be the truth. It is more like they see the answer now and can piece it together now. I have never been guilty of this. I do think that a boy could be gay but that's the farthest I go. I know that I hated it when people thought I was gay. 

I dread telling people that I am gay. I want them to ask if I am for themselves.

The Wave In My Hair

My hair changes like the moon changes the tides of the seas. If you compare the my hair in hours as you would days for the moon you could have a clue to what it is like.

The sea of trees looks like hair to me.

I Feel The Knowing Gaze

You know that look that your parents conveniently give you after you have done something wrong? Or the one where you just finished talking about your friend's surprise birthday party and the V.I.P. walks by with a face of your-secrets-out? They don't have to say a word and you know that they know something.

This is the look that I receive from you.

When I feel It from a girl I feel exposed as if they know my well-guarded secret. When I feel it from a boy I feel like they might share the same secret. I then realize that I am in a place that has convinced me that hiding is that best choice.

People don't know that I learn from them. People don't know that I can see through them like clear water. People don't know that they tell me how they are feeling. People don't know that they do this by the way they hold their body. People don't know that they have taught me how to hold my body still. People don't know that I am giving them a knowing gaze.

I Couldn't Have Known Then

It was just a puddle before it was a pond. It started growing with complements. I was shy and had found a way out; I would complement girls. It felt great. I could look at them in the eyes and tell them they were beautiful. It was exhilarating. The excitement didn't last that long though. I had to find something else to do before I returned to the library and never came out from another book. I had to do something that wasn't me. My first complement to a boy was about his shirt. It looked good on him. This thrilled me more than giving girls comments. I think it was because of the reaction they gave me. The shocked face and this-is-odd look. I would pick a theme of the day. If anybody was wearing blue then I would have to say why it looked good on them. It turn into a game. I started only giving boys compliments. I realize I have something to the likes of a crush on Taylor. With Taylor compliments come easy. With Taylor I find myself looking for him just so I could compliment him. It was a pond back then. Now it is a reservoir.

The Cycle of Water

Water is important. You know the cycle of water, right? It sits around on the ground then evaporates in to vapors. It then raises into the sky to join others like itself. The vapors then form a cloud. The cloud then waits until there is a lot of water to start raining or until it need to get over a tall mountain. The cloud then rains down on the earth, collecting the pollution of the skies before reaching the ground. If a raindrop is lucky and it is formed in the winter it gets to flurry down. These snowflakes get to spend time to shine in the sky before they have to leave. Although I believe that the rain that fall in the ocean has it best. This rain has a higher chance that it will sink into the depths of the ocean waters. These drops of water have no need to go through the water of cycle.

My thoughts are like water. My thoughts sit around until they have simmered and create steam. The thoughts mix with others to create a cloud, that will pour when there is enough or, when I have to climb a mountain in my life. As my thoughts come down they collect color from the pollution of my smog filled mind. If my thoughts are chilled and I am focused. I have time to think as it falls I can choose the colors I want. My thoughts sometimes stay in my head and shine for a while before they touch ground. But it is best when my thoughts don't have to go through this cycle and can just be poured onto paper.